Not Feeling Sexy

Q Now that our baby's six weeks old, the doctor has given me and my husband the go-ahead to have sex again. But I feel like an overweight wreck--what if my husband isn't attracted to me?

The next time your husband gives you That Look and you fix your mouth to refuse because you're worried he won't like what's hiding under your sweats, remember this: He Just Doesn't Care. When Nick found out the doctor had given me the green light after Mari was born, he practically chased me around the house. Surely, I thought, he couldn't be turned on by my grumpy, drippy, lumpy self. But he couldn't have cared less that I smelled like sour milk and was half asleep.

It's not that your husband is blind--after all, he watched your body change throughout the pregnancy--but to a man coming off a two-month-plus dry spell, your postbaby belly is the tiniest and most insignificant of details. So the person you need to seduce back into the bed is you.

Fact is, you're going to have bouts when you feel fat and totally undesirable--even after your baby's a baby no more. But remember: You deserve your husband's loving just as much as he deserves yours. And he craves your passion and affection as much as your body. In the end, that's really all he and you will ever need.

From my life…
For some reason, it's not hard for me to say no to 7-year-old Mari, but I'm a grade-A sucker for Lila, 4. Candy? Sure. Jump on the bed? No problem. Mari gets the tough love because she's been around longer and knows right from wrong (mostly). And with two kids, the house, a job, I find I just don't have the energy to crack down on feisty Lila. I condemn myself, but I bet I'm not the only mom making this kind of compromise. And is it possible I've been too tough on Mari?

Girls' night out
It doesn't happen often, but every so often, schedules are in sync and no one has night--of excuses, making it possible for a fun moms--only evening. To make it a night to remember:

Agree that what happens at Girls' Night Out stays at Girls' Night Out. It'll make you all more relaxed--and maybe inspire something deliciously fun.
You know you'll talk about kids and husbands, but keep it short. You're out to get away from your regular life, if only for a few hours.
At my last get-together, four of the five friends arrived seething that their husbands hadn't wanted them to come. What I told them: Nick knows that this makes me happy. And he also knows that when Denene's happy, everybody's happy.
While you're all glowing with the euphoria of a great time had, pick a date and nominate someone to plan the next night out--and pinkie--swear you'll honor it, no excuses.

Should I tattle?

Q I have no trouble laying down my family's law when my son's friend acts up at our house, but should I tell his mom?

If you feel justified disciplining this kid while he's playing at your place, then you need to feel just as comfortable letting his mother know that you did. Junior's going to tell his mom anyway (not realizing that in ratting you out, he's dropping a dime on his own bad behavior), so the last thing you want is that she think you were hiding the fact that you threw the Bad Boy of Playdates in the pokey.

When his mom picks him up, take her aside and, without making it a big deal, tell her that when her son threw the toys/teased the baby/(insert naughtiness here), you made him apologize/sit in the corner/(insert punishment here). Assure her that it's the same penalty you mete out for your own kids.

If his mom has a problem with this, then there needn't be another playdate until Junior learns to conduct himself appropriately.

Ease up: Odds are you're the only one in that bed who doesn't think you're hot

If you have a question about the ethics and etiquette of dealing with kids, husband, family, and friends, e-mail Denene at reality-check@parenting.com For past Reality Check columns, go to http://parenting.com/experts/

By: Millner, Denene, Parenting, 0890247X, Aug2006

To get past, just ask

By: Sternberg, Stina. Golf Digest

Q. It seem s impossible to get the men at our club to let a group of women play through, even if they’re holding us up. But if we don’t let the men through, we have a ranger on our backs. What should we do?

A. In Sweden, where I grew up, golfers are tested on how to play through before being allowed to play the game. Twosomes or threesomes at any Swedish course can play through five or six groups without incident.
Here, I hardly ever see golfers play through. You’re right—the male ego is involved—but many golfers are also too polite to ask, too ignorant to step aside or too unsure how to do it. So everybody stays put. You say the men at your club resist letting women through, but have you asked them? I can’t imagine anyone would turn you down if you asked in a confident way and promised to make it fast. Wait until the group in front of you has teed off on an appropriate take-over hole (par 5s are best for this), then ask. Be ready with the right club in hand, do not take any practice swings, tee off and get out of sight.

Q. I like betting when I play golf, but we play with a woman who never pays up after losing, and I feel uncomfortable asking for the cash. Thoughts?

A. If you’re taking part in a bet, pay up. I don’t care if you’re rich, poor, male or female. Women like your friend give the rest of us a bad name. But your reluctance to make her pay is almost as inexcusable (as is refusing to accept money from a woman after she loses a bet—something that’s happened to me more than once). There is no chivalry between genders in gambling. I would bring it up on the first tee the next time you play. Tell her you’d love to bet, but only if
she promises to pay.

Q. If Michelle Wie can play on the men’s tour, why can’t men play on the women’s tour? Where’s the equality? Is it a publicity stunt?

A. Michelle Wie is not a publicity stunt. She’s close to being competitive in men’s events now, at 16, so who’s to say she won’t win one someday? But having a man play in a women’s event is silly. I believe in gender equality, but there are physical differences between men and women. It’s biology: Men have more muscle mass. When a female player comes along with the power to hit it as far as the guys, it doesn’t make sense to suggest that her anatomy should forbid her from teeing it up with them. Her lack of a Y chromosome only puts her at a disadvantage to the rest of the field. Flip it around, though, and a man would have an advantage over the entire field.